Chocolates with filling are an ideal conduit for fissile material

Anti-Terrorism Valentine's Day Tips - The Office of Homeland Security explains it all for you. by Timothy Noah

Office of Homeland Security:
Recommended Valentine's Day Precautions

A valentine is an ideal conduit for coded messages. A capital "C," for instance, denotes the crescent moon, a well-known symbol of Islam. If your Christian name begins with the letter "C" (examples: Caroline, Charles, Colin, Condi), do not accept valentines from anybody.
If your name begins with one of the other 25 letters of the alphabet, you may accept valentines, provided you:

  • Do not accept a valentine from any registered foreign national.

  • Open the envelope outdoors, no closer than 20 feet from any other individual.

A bouquet is an ideal conduit for toxins, some of which may occur naturally. It is strongly recommended that you accept no flowers at all, and that you report immediately the name of anyone offering you flowers to the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Recognizing, however, that some will ignore this warning, we urge these individuals to spray their flowers with a quick-drying sealant, wrap them tightly in Saran Wrap, and place on a very high shelf.

There's more in this Slate article. Think about it: it isn't any sillier than the crap the government has been feeding us.

Happy Valentine's Day to Stanley!
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